Terrified

I’m driving home

From a great weekend

Seeing and spending time with people I love and miss

That I never get to see

While I was there just like always

I’m different I’m a happier better version of myself

It caused me to acknowledge

A problem I’ve chosen to ignore

A problem I don’t want to deal with

Because it terrifies me

Acknowledging it made it real

Made me want to retreat into my coping mechanisms

To retreat inward to shutdown

To become apathetic and just

Become a zombie again

I’m terrified

I’ve been forcing myself to deal with it this whole drive

I’m scared because the last time wanted to shutdown so bad

I almost died

I want to live

I’ve made promises

And commitments I intend to keep

But I’m deeply broken inside

I’m scared cause the meds don’t help as much

As they did

I’m scared because I love my job

But I know it’s contributing to it

I’m scared that I’ll let myself shut down

I’m terrified that If I do I won’t come back this time

That I’ll try again and I’ll succeed

I’m scared of myself right now

I don’t have a plan

And I don’t want to

I want to tell them how much this trip meant to me

How good I know this if fit mr

Because it forces change

Cause I’m a stubborn ass of a man

Cause it’s requiring me to break and realize I’m broke to change and do something about it

I’m scared that if I tell them

They’ll think it was their fault

They’ll think it was cause of them being together

No no no no

My brokenness has nothing to do with them or the time i spent with them.

I wonder how long this break would have taken to happen

If I had not come

If I had not gone

If my heart hadn’t been filled with the joy of watching them together

Hadn’t when I left made mr realize the stark darkness

Of the emptiness I’ve grown accustomed to

Where would I be in 6 months if I hadn’t gone

Would I still be denying it

Would I be drinking myself into an early grave

Would I be alive in 2 years or 3

Hoe long would I have lasted

Before I shut down again

Would I have come back from it this time

I don’t know

The answers to these questions

Terrify me almost as much as the questions do

I’m terrified but for the first time in 5 hours

I’m not crying

And I’m at peace

I’m terrified

But I’m calm

I’m not shutting down

I refuse

I will not allow myself

To go back into the quiet dark

I will not succumb

I will resist

I will fight

For that is the truth of me

Never back down never give up

Fight till the bitter end

Survive out of stubbornness and spite

Simply because I always continue on

One foot after another

All the way to the bitter end

Till I see my creator fave to face

Till I hear you’ve fought long and hard

All your life

Be still

Fight no more

For here is rest

For here is peace

Though the enemy waged a long war you never surrendered

You always got back up

You always kept on

You always remembered

Your oath

Never again

Never by mine own hand

Never again

You fought well

My faithful servant

Now rejoice with me

To know more about the problem I’m talking about visit the link below.

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