I have loved with a love so passionate that it changed my life

A love I never knew this once empty shell of a man was capable of

A loner I’ve always been

Always afraid to let others in

Never trusting but those special few

I lived so long under the weight of my demons

That I forgot what it was to live without them

Demons named depression

Self loathing

I knew then so well

Their very presence a comfort and a torture

For I forgot what it was to be without them

Yet this shining beauty showed me kindness

Where others showed only derision or indifference

There was something about her

It made a sinners cold dead heart dare to beat

I was transfixed by beauty and grace

I had to know her

I Had to find out why my heart beated again

So began for me a whirlwind

A maelstrom in long forgotten corners of my soul

We talked and talked

Each time my heart beat a little more

I wrote of an angel

Of hopes and dreams

I dared to speak them

I dared to write them

Even as I feared the very act

Thinking if I voice it

It’ll be taken from me

I fell hard and fast

I thought to myself even as it happened

This will end only in my own heartbreak

Yet still I dared

For my heart had begun to beat

It left me no choice

When I asked for more I was denied

So I retreated

Yet still I hoped

Still I dreamed

Even as I retreated

A heart that had begun to beat continued

Even as it chafed under the weight of the chains that bound it

I fell deeper into a pit I thought I had begun to escape

It culminated In the intent of my demons the disappearance of an angel was not the cause

She had even reached back out

The loss of a car

The culmination of over 7 years of lies and torment

By those who wished to be the architects of my demise

A bottle full of pills

Counted and weighed

Researched and counted again

Half a bottles worth, more than enough

Taken straight from the bottle

Once twice thrice

Down the hatch

I laid me down to sleep

My fondest wish and my intent to never wake

I prayed the Lord my soul to take

I was done and defeated

I was weary

I was tired

So very tired

Into a sleep I fell with the intent never to wake

Yet awake I did

Though I knew not know how

For they were counted and weighed

Calculated out

Everything I needed and more

The pills counted and weighed so many yet not enough

I remembered a date had been set

To meet again the one who had made my heart beat

I went to an apartment

We talked we laughed

Though deep inside I still wondered why had I lived

A romance movie I remember not which

We watched with a blanket over us because it was cold

As we watched I dared to reach out and pull her close

She came of her own volition and we cuddled up as we watched

It meant more then anything else to me

The human touch does amazing things

I left that night awestruck by the beauty that had deigned to meet me

We continued to talk

2 months later she had a treasure hunt for me

At the end a prize I had not dared to hope for again

So began a courtship a love one sided at first but later mutual

At first it was bliss

But problems arose

As always I self sabotaged

And through my own faults

What I had hoped to make permanent fell apart

Fast forward several years

We speak now and again

Where I lost a girlfriend

I gained a friend

But it was strange and strained

But I persisted

I couldn’t I wouldn’t lose her

So I tried not to

But I did anyways

Lost her through the fog of 2 different lives and 2 different paths

Lost my friend because I couldn’t Let go of what once was

But now we started talking again

I visited drove 6 hours

Just to get here

Everything hit me like a ton of bricks

A 2 by 4 across the face

Swung by a gorilla

But I had grown enough

I saw the live in their eyes

And my heart leapt

Even as tears started to fall

I excused myself

Left for a walk

And cried

I figured out my shit

And let go of what I couldn’t all those years ago

And I finally got my friend back

I have loved and lost

I have held in My arms a beauty that I shall never forget

I have reached for the stars to hold them In my hand and I did

I have loved with a passion most men have not

In this fickle world I have loved and been loved

Because of my angel I will love again

For always and forever I shall love her in one form or another

Because she showed me what love was

And brought me back to life

My angel who has save me more times than I care to remember or even dare to think about

Is now once again my best friend

Without all the baggage I brought to the table

I have won and lost and am better for it

I have loved with a passion most have never dreamed of

I have held beauty in my arms

Maybe one day I’ll watch her walk down the aisle to someone amazing

Maybe one day our kids will grow up together so close they’ll think they’re family.

Maybe one day I will find that again

But for now I have lived and I have loved and that is enough

Over a year has passed since Version 2

I was invited and of course I came

To watch the union of 2 who’s Love I had championed

Who’s Love I cheered

I watched 1 bride strong but nervous and glowing to from her joy

I watched the other Beautiful and radiant

I cheered and I cried

The end of an era

The beginning of another

A day forever remembered and cherished

I count myself lucky

And wealthy beyond measure that I still have

This amazing relationship and friendship with my Angel

That I could be there that day

Forever and always she shall be an Angel in my mind

Because she saved me from myself

And taught a broken soul how to Love

Because she brought me out of the deep pits I was in

And she brought a Dead man to Life

Then taught him what it meant to be alive

I am forever grateful for the time that we had together

For the healing she unknowingly gave

I am awed by the fact that considering our history

Her wife wants me to be in their life

I am grateful beyond words for it

Because spending time with them replenishes my soul

It heals the wound of an old broken soul

I have won Love and I have lost it

I am a better man because of it

I live and have lived a strange life

But that matter not

For I have some of the most amazing people known to the world in my life

They could very well have chosen to keep me out

To not include me

I wouldn’t have blamed them

But they welcome me with open arms

Scars wounds and all

The love and kindness and understanding they are capable of

It boggles my mind

2 of the most awe inspiring and wonderful people I could ever meet

These words I say unto you

Read them and remember them write them onto your heart

If you have won love

Cherish it and hold onto it

Treat it as the God Given Gift it is and Fight for it

If you have lost it

Or your fighting isn’t working

Let it go

It’s not necessarily the end

Let it go but keep in touch even if it hurts some

For what I have gained I treasure beyond measure

The original loss doesn’t have to be the end

Let it continue let it change if it can or will

Let it become something new and different

Trust me it’s worth it.

Version 3 Dedicated to Ashley and Payton Clement.