Love Won and Lost

Love won and lost

I have loved with a love so passionate that it changed my life

A love I never knew this once empty shell of a man was capable of

A loner I’ve always been

Always afraid to let others in

Never trusting but those special few

I lived so long under the weight of my demons

That I forgot what it was to live without them

Demons named depression

Self loathing

I knew then so well

Their very presence a comfort and a torture

For I forgot what it was to be without them

Yet this shining beauty showed me kindness

Where others showed only derision or indifference

There was something about her

It made a sinners cold dead heart dare to beat

I was transfixed by beauty and grace

I had to know her

I Had to find out why my heart beated again

So began for me a whirlwind

A maelstrom in long forgotten corners of my soul

We talked and talked

Each time my heart beat a little more

I wrote of an angel

Of hopes and dreams

I dared to speak them

I dared to write them

Even as I feared the very act

Thinking if I voice it

It’ll be taken from me

I fell hard and fast

I thought to myself even as it happened

This will end only in my own heartbreak

Yet still I dared

For my heart had begun to beat

It left me no choice

When I asked for more I was denied

So I retreated

Yet still I hoped

Still I dreamed

Even as I retreated

A heart that had begun to beat continued

Even as it chafed under the weight of the chains that bound it

I fell deeper into a pit I thought I had begun to escape

It culminated In the intent of my demons the disappearance of an angel was not the cause

She had even reached back out

The loss of a car

The culmination of over 7 years of lies and torment

By those who wished to be the architects of my demise

A bottle full of pills

Counted and weighed

Researched and counted again

Half a bottles worth, more than enough

Taken straight from the bottle

Once twice thrice

Down the hatch

I laid me down to sleep

My fondest wish and my intent to never wake

I prayed the Lord my soul to take

I was done and defeated

I was weary

I was tired

So very tired

Into a sleep I fell with the intent never to wake

Yet awake I did

Though I knew not know how

For they were counted and weighed

Calculated out

Everything I needed and more

The pills counted and weighed so many yet not enough

I remembered a date had been set

To meet again the one who had made my heart beat

I went to an apartment

We talked we laughed

Though deep inside I still wondered why had I lived

A romance movie I remember not which

We watched with a blanket over us because it was cold

As we watched I dared to reach out and pull her close

She came of her own volition and we cuddled up as we watched

It meant more then anything else to me

The human touch does amazing things

I left that night awestruck by the beauty that had deigned to meet me

We continued to talk

2 months later she had a treasure hunt for me

At the end a prize I had not dared to hope for again

So began a courtship a love one sided at first but later mutual

At first it was bliss

But problems arose

As always I self sabotaged

And through my own faults

What I had hoped to make permanent fell apart

Fast forward several years

We speak now and again

Where I lost a girlfriend

I gained a friend

I have loved and lost

I have held in My arms a beauty that I shall never forget

I have reached for the stars to hold them In my hand and I did

I have loved with a passion most men have not

In this fickle world I have loved and been loved

Because of my angel I will love again

For always and forever I shall love her in one form or another

Because she showed me what love was

And brought me back to life.

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