Your doubting and your questioning are not something to run from. Our God is not a god of myth who is weakened by doubt who needs a prerequisite amount of faith in order to survive. We will not always understand God by the very nature of his being. A god that I can fully comprehend with the mind of a mortal man is a terrible thing. That would be a god who was the same as me. I don’t want a god that I can fully comprehend. I’ve been where you are and this situation reminds me of a quote from C.S. Lewis from his book grief observed.
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” I’d recommend you read it. I think it will help. He wrote it after the loss of his wife and it’s all about his own struggle with faith. It may not pertain exactly to your situation but it’s worth checking out best wishes and prayers.