A Singular Spear

 I remember a time when happiness was mine

When all was bright and full of color

When i thought the world was mine

When I listened to love songs

When they rang of truth

For three long years

They have rang of pain and loss

The world turned from bright to shadows

My life changed in an instant

The writing had been on the wall

But till i saw it in the ground

Till it was in the sky

Till it was everywhere i looked

Till i heard the words spoke

I still hoped

I still dreamed I still prayed

Now i can finally see the world again

It’s both bright and colorful

Dark and shadows

Black and grey

Green and bright

This world has so much to offer but still i sit

Still i find myself unable to go

Here i am

Surrounded on all sides

But empty and alone

Who’s fault is that

Is it mine

I don’t like it

I don’t want it

No one hungers for my life

No one prays for my mind

Yet here we are

What do i do

How do i climb out

I know not where the exit is

Or if it even exists

I stand high above others separated by a chasm

I see them move about

They call to me

They talk to me

But somehow i am still underground

Somehow i leave for a moment maybe 2

But its fleeting

It’s a breath in the wind

A single exhale

Wha does it matter

What effect can it have

I feel nothing i see nothing

Is that better

I used to feel

I felt empty

I felt worthless

But now i feel very little

But sometimes i do feel and i feel happy

I don’t trust it though

Never have

Always waiting for the sky to fall

For the ground to open up and swallow

But here i stand

Here i sit

Always wondering

Lost but found

How do i go on

Surrender and giving up

Has crossed my mind

God knows I’ve tried

But I’ve been denied

So i struggle on

Fighting towards what

A butter end

A brighter tomorrow

Towards knowledge

Towards understanding

Towards more then i can dream

Towards a struggle that never ends

Towards a life i do not want

Towards a life i do want

Towards a ocean deep and black

No mountain high

No valley low

No ocean deep

I slog through all

But i know not why

Stuck behind the lines of an enemy

I cannot fully name

Fighting a battle with many names

A war never ending

My gun broke long long ago

So long i doubt its existence

I sought assistance

But there was none given

I searched again

And i was given a spear

So still i go on

Fighting through the jungle of my own mind

Facing my own demons

They are armed with weapons both ancient and modern

They are armed to the teeth

And what do i have a singular spear

With a rusty edge

A single torch

With flint and steel

A knife i scavenged off the dead?

Somehow i survive

Somehow i last

For what purpose i know not

For some purpose I’m sure

Yet somehow

In the midst of the jungle though i long for more

Though i long for greater things

Though i long for bright skies

For blue waters

For an open field

With a future wide open

I am somehow copacetic

Not apathetic anymore

But content enough

Again i know not why nor how but there it is all the same

I go on with no end in sight

To a destination

I am not aware of

I wander aimlessly

But am I really lost

After all

All roads once lead to Rome

Maybe all the roads i can walk

All end at the same place

The same time

What is it though

I can’t wait to see

I want to hasten the journey

But I don’t know how

So I struggle on until i find my way out

Till i find my way in

Till i can go onward and upward

Into the land that was promised

To the victory

That was foretold

To the end of all things

To the end of me.

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