Healing from Depression: From Machine to Humanity

I Used To Be A Machine

Back in my younger days dealing with my depression 

I used to be a machine 

Barely sleeping constantly on survival mode 

Not feeling anything 

I survived that way for years barely ever feeling an emotion besides rage 

It’s how I survived when I had no drive to carry on 

When I was nothing but broken searching for a way to heal 

I was stuck with my eyes wide open seeing everything wrong and nothing right 

Those days were simple but harrowing 

Somedays I almost wish I could go back to the simplicity before I woke up from being a machine 

I miss the simplicity of emotion when I felt nothing rather than the gamut I do now 

But it was never supposed to be that way we aren’t meant to be machines 

Running on spite and frustration 

We are human beings, and we need to be able to feel to be alive 

When we’re running on survival mode all the time we’re not really living 

Theres’s beauty in the pain and suffering 

In being too able experience, it instead of shutting down 

Because if you just shut down during it never heals 

Here’s hoping I never take it for granted that I’m no longer a machine 

We aren’t supposed to function as machines for extended periods of time  

We are supposed to feel the pain and process it 

Let it push us beyond the borders of our own experience 

Unfortunately, our brains and our psyche develop like our muscles do  

Things must be torn and heal to gain growth 

We must learn and relearn to grow 

The old must make way for the new 

To broaden our horizons to train our minds sometimes it takes a wound 

For something to grow back stronger 

That’s the way our muscles work tiny little tears that heal make us stronger 

Without functioning like a machine, I never would have survived but I took the right steps finally to heal and move on 

Then I became stronger as I used what I had experienced to buckle down and deal with the gamut of emotion 

Now I’m stronger, and better than I was 

Now I shout out hope from the rooftops and the street corners 

Instead of despair and doom 

It’s possible to be more than a machine 

It’s possible to be human again 

Like I often say it starts with the hardest and simplest task  

Talking to someone 

Then you ask for stick  

The stick can be anything it’s a metaphor for anything and everything 

In my case it was medicine 

Wellbutrin to be specific was my second step to not being a machine 

To an even keel from where I could thrive and process reality from a new place above the water line 

Instead of bobbing beneath the waves I had a boat to sit in  

Later, Therapy was another step 

Teaching me new ways to cope and process 

New ways to express 

Reminding me that I didn’t have to appear as a machine on the outside and that not doing so would help me connect  

I don’t know what the next step is, but I do know I’ll be on this journey till my end 

But I hope and pray to never be a machine again.   

Inspired by my own experiences and Three Days Grace “I Am Machine”