A Journey Ended

Almost 11 years ago I set out on a journey

One I never thought I would

I started a career in Law Enforcement

For almost 11 years I toiled and I struggled

I gave my life to an organization with lofty goals

That sometimes failed to live up to them

I was there through thick and thin

Through both loving the job and hating it

I saw people’s lives change

Sometimes for the better

Sometimes for the worse

I saw people grow

I saw myself change into someone I had trouble recognizing

I saw my heart grow bitter and jaded

I saw my trust in my fellow man dwindle

I saw my confidence sometimes reach dangerous heights

I saw my depression get worse and better

Changing by leaps and bounds

Would I go back and change it

I don’t think I would

I saw myself become hyper aware

It’s something I can’t shrug off now

Even sitting writing with headphones in

Sitting in a coffee shop I can tell immediately when someone walks in

My back against a wall

So I feel safe

So no one can sneak behind

What did it do to me

The proof is evident in the brokenness

You see

A man aware of everything and nothing

Paranoid even without the looming specter

Of a badge hanging over him

Will I ever be whole again

Things I’ve seen and heard

Things I’ve read

I miss my family

My brothers and sisters in arms

But I don’t miss the job

Slowly I think I’ll start to heal in some places

I don’t think others ever will

But that’s life

I’ll continue marching on regardless into

An unknowable future

Just the way I like it and dread it

I couldn’t take anymore of the same thing day after day

With no hope of change for the better

A journey ended and a new one begun

Maybe this one will bring me joy that I have yet to find

Maybe this one will bring healing

Maybe this one will be the final one