Self Isolation

This poem has something different that i want to try below this little announcement you will find as small audio player. If you press play you should hear an audio recording of me reading this poem out.

Usually I isolate myself from others

Not out of fear of sickness

Or of others

But a general lack of trust and dislike of most people

I go to work

I go home

I go to the coffee shop where I sit and write

When I go to the store I don’t talk to anyone

More than polite chitchat with a cashier

I’ve always been an introvert

Hang out with friends maybe once or twice a week

Go to church don’t talk to anyone there

And I’ve always been fine with that

But this past week and a half

It hasn’t felt like enough

Even though barely anything has changed for me

I go to work I go home

I can’t go to my coffee shop because its closed

Now even Starbucks won’t let you inside

I hang out with my friends on discord voice chat

Same time as we used to playing

Cards against humanity online

But it doesn’t feel like enough

It’s taken a quarantine for me to realize

How isolated I have been

But when its lifted will I want it to change

Or will I continue in my same old ways

Do I really hate the isolation that much

Or do I just hate being forced into it

Do I just hate not being able to go out

Am I doomed to isolate myself

Because that’s what my personality enjoys

Social interactions both bore me and tire me

Unless its with the right people

Even then I might not say or do much of anything besides

Sit and listen or play a game or watch tv

I like the company of people but not small talk

What do I do with these realizations

Do I try to un-isolate myself

When this is over

Even though I’ll probably hate it

Many people call me their friend

But few are those I consider friends

That’s the way I’ve always done it

Because I don’t trust or let people in easily

But will I continue

I don’t know

I sit writing this listening to my music I always write to

Drinking dark hot chocolate

In lieu of my usual Café Mocha

Do I even want to change

I know I miss my coffee shop and my interactions few though they were

With the people there

But I don’t know if I miss the people

I don’t know if I hate the isolation

Or the forced isolation

I’m afraid to look it in the face

Cause I’m afraid of the answer