Once, Twice, Thrice

An audio version of me reading it.

Once twice thrice

Third times the charm

Bad or good everything comes in threes

Once I almost took my life


In a room with lights on I held a knife in my hand

Tonight it ends

Tonight it’s over

A room with the lights on but it felt dark

It was dark

Bright as any other night but darker still

The knife had been used before for many things

But it had tasted my blood before

A cut here

A cut there

On the arm

On the wrist across the street

On the ankle

On the leg

Always a story never the truth

A room filled with darkness coldness and despair

Creating a fog so thick you couldn’t breathe

Stifling suffocating

A knife the only way out

Sitting waiting

Not enough courage but I pick it up again

Hoping maybe this time I do it

But instead I drop the knife

Because the darkness is gone

Where once despair

Now hope and peace and warmth

Now I weep

Soul wrenching chest heaving

I feel an embrace

But there is no one there


Same room

Same night one year hence

It’s all the same

Nothing better

All the same

Same knife

Same darkness

Same despair

Same coldness but more intense

Same coward holding a knife

Same same

The Same light

The same warmth

Same hope

Same peace

Same embrace

Same result I live another day


Different house

Different room

No knife but a bottle of pills

Same darkness but more of it

Same and also different despair

No coward to be seen

Pills counted and weighed

Just enough

No add more

More than enough to many to take at once

Once the pills come out of the bottle and into the mouth

Twice the pills come out of the bottle and into the mouth

Thrice the pills come out of the bottle and into the mouth

Third times the charm as the pills slide down

I laid me down to sleep

With the old children’s prayer

Ringing through my head

But with darker words

I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to take

That I may never wake amen

I’m tired

I’m exhausted

I can’t fight anymore

I want it over

I’ve lost time and time again

Never seeming to win

Yet I awoke after sleeping 24 hours

Somehow though counted and weighed

They were not enough

Third times the charm

I’ve always heard

But I’m glad it wasn’t

There was brighter days ahead

Days when the sun did shine and I breathed anew

Almost 2 years of happiness

Before it came tumbling down

A promise made and a promise kept since

Never again

Never again

Not by my own hand

Never again

Now I stand here

And tell a story

A story that almost never was

A life that was almost cut short

A life almost destroyed

Now I take different pills and they keep the Demons at bay

I reached out and was given a weapon

I dared not hope for one

All I asked for was just a stick

But I got so much more

Now I stand beside others

Shouting through the whispers they hear

The dark whispers that come only to destroy

I show others a way back

I know not why it happened why I struggle

But in the end it’s worth it

If I can save just one

So far I’ve pulled three back and up out of the pit

So I soldier on

Once twice thrice

Never again

I shout above the whispers

They deafen those they haunt

But I won’t let it take them

It may pass like a fucking kidney stone but it will pass

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