Addicted To A Life On Fire 

I think I may be addicted to accelerants in a metaphorical sense 

Is there a version of AA for that 

I seem to be addicted to setting my life up in flames 

I don’t use drugs and I’m not an alcoholic 

But surely there’s a group for this 

Theres a group for everything 

I just seem to like self-sabotaging a little too much 

Somedays it feels like I’ve doused myself in accelerants and am playing with matches 

Just hoping to get burned 

Maybe i just revel in the chaos  

Or I fear the calm that stability brings 

I think though it’s easier to deal with the blows life throws when everything is already on fire 

If that’s your constant than you’re like the dog in the meme  

Everything’s Fine 

But when you’re in that calm stability when life throws a hard left hook you feel it through and through 

Maybe that’s why I live life dangerously on the knifes edge 

I’ve been dancing on the knife’s edge so long that its familiar and almost safe 

Even when it means I’ll get burned again eventually  

Is there a group for people addicted to living on the knifes edge of life 

Is there hope to find the stability i crave yet the adrenaline and accelerant I’m addicted to  

How do I find a balance between the rush and the peace 

Without setting my life on fire periodically 

I need to learn to sit comfortably in the quiet without itching to set off a spark 

I need to find a way to feel alive without constantly courting disaster 

To find excitement in growth rather than periodical destruction 

After all I’m not a forest i don’t need periodic burning to be healthy 

Stability doesn’t have to mean suffocation, but I must find the middle ground 

I’m starting to wonder if the real challenge is letting go of the match 

Trusting that fire is not necessary to my way of life 

And believing that calm can be just as thrilling as the chaos when i allow myself to truly live in it without searching for a way out.