Disorder

Life feels like it’s in freefall disorder and chaos

Like everything’s up in the air

All out of order

Like I don’t know where the next blow will come from

I’m not sure which way is up anymore

The mountains have been lost from view

I feel myself slip, slipping away

To where I don’t know

I feel like I have a tenuous grasp on reality

Like it’s running away from me

Like a roadrunner beside the road

I feel lost and confused

Everything’s in disorder

I want to stop and take stock

But I’ve been conditioned for so long to just keep going

It’s how I’ve survived for 35 years instead of just 18

It’s hard to let the thoughts consume you when you’re always on the move

But if you don’t know where you’re going where you’re heading

What then?

When everything’s in disorder where do you turn

When you’ve lost one of your compass points

And are only left with fleeting memories and an ache that never leaves

My minds all a jumble and my soul is worse

I constantly feel like crying but am unable to

Everything’s gone awry it’s all gone cockeyed

While I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces and keep myself together along with three others

When it feels like the worlds trying to tear us all apart

It’s all disorder and chaos

Theres a cacophonous whirlwind of sound rushing around my ears and inside of my head

I used to thrive in chaos

But this time it feels different, stronger, darker maybe

I don’t know but it’s just different this time

It’s hard to soldier on when you feel like you’re freefalling while spiraling out of control

Normally I end with some great message of hope

But that’s not what I feel today

I feel lost and have for a while

But still, I soldier on

It seems like it’s all I know how to do

Fumbling about while everything’s in chaos

Trying to outrun the pain and grief

Trying to hold it all together

Terrified I’ll fall apart

Disorder and chaos plague me

While I try to find a lifeline out of this mess

I’m no stranger to chaos

Or a disordered mind

Depression or the darkness of my own thoughts

But this is just so vastly different I feel plagued by it

At every turn

Feeling like I’m running in place while trying to turn around

It feels like I’m swimming in mud