I have loved with a love so passionate that it changed my life
A love I never knew this once empty shell of a man was capable of
A loner I’ve always been
Always afraid to let others in
Never trusting but those special few
I lived so long under the weight of my demons
That I forgot what it was to live without them
Demons named depression
Self loathing
I knew then so well
Their very presence a comfort and a torture
For I forgot what it was to be without them
Yet this shining beauty showed me kindness
Where others showed only derision or indifference
There was something about her
It made a sinners cold dead heart dare to beat
I was transfixed by beauty and grace
I had to know her
I Had to find out why my heart beated again
So began for me a whirlwind
A maelstrom in long forgotten corners of my soul
We talked and talked
Each time my heart beat a little more
I wrote of an angel
Of hopes and dreams
I dared to speak them
I dared to write them
Even as I feared the very act
Thinking if I voice it
It’ll be taken from me
I fell hard and fast
I thought to myself even as it happened
This will end only in my own heartbreak
Yet still I dared
For my heart had begun to beat
It left me no choice
When I asked for more I was denied
So I retreated
Yet still I hoped
Still I dreamed
Even as I retreated
A heart that had begun to beat continued
Even as it chafed under the weight of the chains that bound it
I fell deeper into a pit I thought I had begun to escape
It culminated In the intent of my demons the disappearance of an angel was not the cause
She had even reached back out
The loss of a car
The culmination of over 7 years of lies and torment
By those who wished to be the architects of my demise
A bottle full of pills
Counted and weighed
Researched and counted again
Half a bottles worth, more than enough
Taken straight from the bottle
Once twice thrice
Down the hatch
I laid me down to sleep
My fondest wish and my intent to never wake
I prayed the Lord my soul to take
I was done and defeated
I was weary
I was tired
So very tired
Into a sleep I fell with the intent never to wake
Yet awake I did
Though I knew not know how
For they were counted and weighed
Calculated out
Everything I needed and more
The pills counted and weighed so many yet not enough
I remembered a date had been set
To meet again the one who had made my heart beat
I went to an apartment
We talked we laughed
Though deep inside I still wondered why had I lived
A romance movie I remember not which
We watched with a blanket over us because it was cold
As we watched I dared to reach out and pull her close
She came of her own volition and we cuddled up as we watched
It meant more then anything else to me
The human touch does amazing things
I left that night awestruck by the beauty that had deigned to meet me
We continued to talk
2 months later she had a treasure hunt for me
At the end a prize I had not dared to hope for again
So began a courtship a love one sided at first but later mutual
At first it was bliss
But problems arose
As always I self sabotaged
And through my own faults
What I had hoped to make permanent fell apart
Fast forward several years
We speak now and again
Where I lost a girlfriend
I gained a friend
But it was strange and strained
But I persisted
I couldn’t I wouldn’t lose her
So I tried not to
But I did anyways
Lost her through the fog of 2 different lives and 2 different paths
Lost my friend because I couldn’t Let go of what once was
But now we started talking again
I visited drove 6 hours
Just to get here
Everything hit me like a ton of bricks
A 2 by 4 across the face
Swung by a gorilla
But I had grown enough
I saw the live in their eyes
And my heart leapt
Even as tears started to fall
I excused myself
Left for a walk
And cried
I figured out my shit
And let go of what I couldn’t all those years ago
And I finally got my friend back
I have loved and lost
I have held in My arms a beauty that I shall never forget
I have reached for the stars to hold them In my hand and I did
I have loved with a passion most men have not
In this fickle world I have loved and been loved
Because of my angel I will love again
For always and forever I shall love her in one form or another
Because she showed me what love was
And brought me back to life
My angel who has save me more times than I care to remember or even dare to think about
Is now once again my best friend
Without all the baggage I brought to the table
I have won and lost and am better for it
I have loved with a passion most have never dreamed of
I have held beauty in my arms
Maybe one day I’ll watch her walk down the aisle to someone amazing
Maybe one day our kids will grow up together so close they’ll think they’re family.
Maybe one day I will find that again
But for now I have lived and I have loved and that is enough