The Everest Triptych

Part 1

Mountain Of A Man

You’re a mountain of a man

Even as you stare down

The uncertainty of a stage 4 cancer diagnosis

Which would make most men weep

Inoperable without significant disruption to quality of life

34 years with you

Seems too short

Now I’m faced with the daunting

Realization that you may not be around much longer

So many things left to do

So many things left unsaid

You might never see me get married

You probably won’t meet your grandkids if I ever have them

Through this journey you’ve continued to be yourself

Stalwart and strong

But I can see it breaking you this time

I’m so proud of the growth you’ve made in the last few years

I can’t stand to lose you

The thought of it breaks my heart

When it’s finally your time to go

There will be a giant hole in my heart and in my life

You’re compassionate, and kind

With a no-nonsense attitude

You’re stubborn and obstinate

You love with your whole being

You’re passionate, open, and honest

You can always be depended on

Creative and able to build or fix almost anything

You’re everything that I strive to be

That’s what makes you a mountain of a man

Part 2

Even Rocks Break and Mountains Fall

Even the strongest rocks break

All mountains will eventually fall

Even Vesuvius and Mount ST Helens did fall

All things must come to an end

Sure, they erupted in a blaze of glory

Not a slow eroding

But all things must end

Even mountains of men

As cancer and chemo ravages

My dad’s body

I’m watching a mountain of a man

Slowly decline

From a vibrant example of life

Full of zest

Full of love and support

To someone I had to help stand up today

To someone I had to help change his underclothes

A week ago, I didn’t have to do either of those things

Even before that though I let the tears fall on my drive home

I let myself break for the first time in months

First it was moving

Then it was moving and kidney stones

And now this

A visit to the hospital

Days filled with pain for my Father

The man I most admire

When they finally put in a filter for his blood clots

Which should have been done 2 months ago but wasn’t

Now he comes home and he just seems less

My heart breaks inside my chest

And this rock

This rock that I am for all

It broke inside

Last night when he came home

He looked so much like my grandfather riddled with age

And tired

So tired

He looks like he’s in his 80’s not the spry 65 he was back in march

Must all rocks break

Must all mountains fall

I want to scream and rage against the sky

For all the good it would do

I want to fall on my knees and beg for a miracle

But I don’t see one coming

I suppose you never do

I just wish this mountain wouldn’t fall

Wouldn’t erode away

It breaks me inside

To watch his decline

But all things must end

Even though we wish they wouldn’t

I just wish

It was another 20 years down the road

Not now

Not this way

Not this way

Fuck Cancer

If it wasn’t for that we wouldn’t be here

I wouldn’t be writing this

I or you wouldn’t be reading this

And you wouldn’t be hearing it

Or reading it

I just wish mountains didn’t have to fall.

Part 3

Everest Cracks In Half And Slides

I’ve been forced to watch the slow and sometimes fast decline

Of possibly the greatest man I’ve ever known

My father Jimmy Francis

I’ve had the honor and the horror of being with him in his final days

As Everest cracks and the mountain starts to slip from view

I’ve watched a man who used to stand tall even though only 5 feet 11 inches tall

Start to bend and stoop as the full force of cancer wreaks its havoc

As the tumors spread and grow

As the fluid starts building up in his body and not leaving

His heart rate is sky rocketing

And not coming down

Will these be his last days

Will he live to see another year

I spend as much time with him as I can

Trying my best to appreciate and stow away these memories and moments

While he’s still here

Trying to store up treasures for the future that is fast approaching

As my family draws close around me as we give the doctors the Do Not Resuscitate papers

It’s hard to find precious moments when the attention wanes and confusion sets in

He has sometimes long lucid moments sometimes short

But they never seem to be enough

Will he come out of this hospital stay alive

Will he come home

Or will he have to go to rehab

How diminished will he be when, or if he exits the hospital this time

He didn’t want to go

He doesn’t want to stay but understands or at least seems to

The reasons why

This is my lamentation

As the mountain cracks and starts to slide

I’m stuck trying to grab these fleeting moments of joy and love

These memories of time spent with him as the slide accelerates

At a speed unknown

To a destination known

His slow and gradual yet accelerating descent towards death

Still he speaks with love and understanding his faith bent but not broken

This Everest of a man still stands tall in spirit

Even as his body diminishes and swells

His spirit stands tall

His character exceeding my own

I am still in awe of him

Of the man that he has changed into in the last few years

Where once he was short tempered and harsh

Dismissive and confrontational

He changed those into patience and love

Acceptance and gentle kindness

Now I watch his slow, and yet rapid decline

Towards his death

I stand on the brink of despair

I should be surrounded by it on all sides

But I have not succumbed

I stand tall bent but unbroken drawing on the strength of my father’s spirit

I strive to be the rock my family can rely on as the end draws nearer

As Everest cracks and falls

I do my best to stand tall not proud but humble while my world starts to crumble at the edges

As rocks break and mountains fall

I strive to not break and so far have succeeded

Even in the midst of the earthquakes

I’ll stand stalwart.

Even as Everest Falls.